Who gives a damn? How to prioritize self-care as a man

It's been a hard couple of years. With 3 kids and a young dog, I've been stressed, burnt out, and overwhelmed. It got so bad that I started to have explosive outbursts, scaring my kids and my wife and making me feel like I couldn't accept the future I was creating. Things have gotten a lot better, through focused effort. Here are a few things that made a huge difference:

Rebuild at night

Prioritize sleep quality. With a young kid still in our bed, I started to notice that there were only explosive outbursts on days where I felt like I had terrible sleep. We started to make it a priority to send me off to the spare bed or couch when our boy would come in for the night and be fussy. This really fucked with my head, because I could see my wife sacrificing HER sleep and I felt like I needed to be there to support her. The truth is, that if I can't get through the day without freaking out, then she has to worry about trying to support ME, which is actually asking her to do more.

Get it out

I'd always wanted to train martial arts, but it had never lined up for me, except for a semester of college Kung Fu. (Where I learned that horse stance sucks, and that's about it.) I had been looking into Thai kickboxing for my oldest, but found out that the MMA gyms (where most Muay Thai is taught in my area) start younger kids in Jiu Jitsu first, and I wanted to check it out for myself before bringing the kiddos in. I actually wanted to do kickboxing but I didn't trust myself, with my explosive reactions, to get in the habit of punching and kicking. Anyway, I enrolled in Jiu Jitsu and learned, first of all: It's fucking fun, second: it's an insanely great workout, and third: there's a surprising amount of social interaction and community. (I learned that choking someone is pretty intimate, but don’t expect your wife to understand. 😂) I’m not sure which of those is more important, but they add up to a really important self-care practice.

Be ready

One of the hardest parts of my day is when I finally get the kids to bed, and I have to go do the dishes, and the dog decides that this is her moment to finally get some play and interaction with me. It's super annoying because I have something I need to accomplish, and she is distracting. One thing I've found that helps is having a great treat she will take her time with, like a marrow bone or a bully stick. Another thing is to do round of “find it!” with treats she cares about. A third thing is to give in and do 15 minutes of training. (5 minutes is not enough 🥲 ) The point is, in the moment, when I'm trying to do something, is not the time to be coming up with solutions. At that point, all I have is frustration. Assume that whatever just happened will happen again, and you have to do the thinking part ahead of time, to take the actions to set yourself up for success.

Start clean

To make the most out of your day, you have to get your daily routine on point. Good sleep, proper nutrition, and stress management are key. Cold plunge is a pivotal anchor on my day. Getting up before the rest of the family and getting in the water ensures that I am ready to rocket through the morning, with good feelings, and happy service to my family. After a dip, I don't just wake up, I feel great. I feel like I am actually thrilled to see my kids, and have energy to spare to raise up my wife's levels. And when I don't, I'm a groggy, doughy, slouching beast, who just wants to go back to bed. You know that feeling, and a cold plunge is the antidote.

Summary

If you're struggling to show up like the best version of yourself, I hope this helps. Just remember, if you haven't prioritized taking care of yourself, you can't be the rock your family needs.